Auntie Jill's Jillings

Dear Auntie,
I’m fairly new to the chat scene so can you could explain why chat rooms attract so many people who are either, ‘bored’ ‘bored and horny’ or need to know my boob size before starting a conversation?
Puzzled.

Dear Puzzled,
To begin with it’s clear to me you have been talking to guys in some form or the other as these attributes are all typical of men.

I always hate to disagree with the world’s great philosophers but that can happen from time to time down here at Jillington-on-Sea especially after a few G&Ts. I believe it was Nietzsche who said only the most intelligent of animals were capable of being bored. This forces me to conclude that chat must be the mirror image of reality, as in chat those who declare themselves bored are always the most stupid and by definition most boring. Therefore I make it a rule to avoid anyone who says they are less than gainfully employed.

Now as for bored and horny I believe this to be predominately a male condition. My background is legal so my physiological/ physiological knowledge is limited. But people wiser than me claim that to become aroused women need to be exposed to a continuous stream of varied stimuli. Men on the other hand can become aroused instantly even when bored. In fact men often wake up in the mornings with an affliction called morning wood having been exposed to no stimuli at all. You can see this at the zoo witnessed by male chimpanzees playing with their genitalia when they have nothing else to do. You can also see it at home with dogs dry humping chair legs or maiden aunt’s handbags.

Now as for boob size. This is a vital piece of information any man requires before starting a conversation. I’m sure you have noticed that the two genders converse quite differently. When women talk to you they address your eyes, whereas men address your boobs. I’m sorry, but in fairness you have to accept that boob size is an essential precursor to any male wishing to begin a conversation.
Love
Auntie Jill.

Dear Auntie Jill,
I realise you might find this an odd request but I am giving a talk to a women’s cookery group soon and as everyone knows I’m a lesbian I’d like to tell a lesbian joke. However finding a suitable joke is more difficult than I thought. I wondered if you might have one, it won’t matter if it’s near the knuckle.
Suzie.

Dear Suzie,
I must admit I always notice when things get near the knuckle, after all enough is enough as we say down here at Jillington-on-Sea.

As for good jokes I’m not sure that I know any. However for obvious reasons lesbianism and cookery meld well so here’s a cookery joke I found that might make your cookery colleagues chuckle:

A young woman, while away at university decided to come to terms with her latent homosexuality and to come out of the closet.

Her biggest problem of course was telling her mother. But she decided to bite the bullet and on her next visit home, she went into the kitchen, where her mother was busy stirring stew with a spoon. Rather nervously, the young woman explained to her mother that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from the stew, her mother sternly said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes," replied the young woman getting increasingly nervous.

Still without looking up the mother enquired: "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually stammered an embarrassed affirmative.

Finally looking up the mother turned to her daughter and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly, snapped:

"Well don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Well readers, most of our post over the last three weeks has been taken up not with problems but with people wishing to pass comments about posts. Here is a small selection of our postbag. My apologies if your e-mail has been missed out, all I can do is give a representative sample.

‘During the course of my love life I’ve known two Donnas to which I’ve always played the role of College. Therefore reading this series is like a wonderful walk down memory lane. Thank you so much, it keeps bringing me back to your wonderful Blog looking for the next episode.’ [JC]

‘Please, please can you keep the pearls articles going for a little while longer? I’m really enjoying the great photos and have been fascinated by the stories behind the paintings.’ [Windowshopper]

‘A friend alerted me to your well written series Tinker Tailor which reads like an enthralling cross between John Le Carre and Ian Fleming. I say Fleming because the heroines appear to enjoy bedding everything in sight. The all girl cast is the icing on the cake on top of what is an increasingly intriguing plot. Many thanks I can’t wait to see what happens next.’ [Tess]

‘Just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying the funny videos, the Donnas and Tinker Tailor Tyke and Tease. Keep up the good work as you are now part of my ‘secret’ PC time with my morning coffee.’ [Feather Duster Woman]

‘Please pass my compliments to Monica on the continuing excellent story of Donna. Its like reading a sit com…so full of humour and believable dialogue, I can “see” the characters as I read, wonderful, each part is a subtle story in itself one almost feels like a fly on the wall…well done…keep it coming.’[Selena]

‘When is Jenny going to post some more Walmartians the last bunch reduced me to screams of laughter……’ [Happy Shopper]

‘I’ve been encouraging my friends to read Donna and Tinker Tailor. Is it possible to provide links to previous episodes of Donna to make it easy to catch up please?’ [Flora MacDonald]


Remember Auntie Jill can be contacted at girlscoffeeshop@yahoo.com.