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Dear Auntie Jill

For some time I have been having an on line relationship with our Gang Leader in the chat room, who is loved and adored by all the other Gang members as the girl with the golden hair. However having recently been nose to tail with her, if you get my drift I know that her collar and cuffs don’t match and that far from being golden, her hair is mousy like mine. Should I:

Leave the Gang, say nothing as I have done up until now

Ask her to be honest with all the other gang members

Let all the Gang members know what I know although I suspect because they all love and adore her they wont accept what i say.

Josie
Worried of Wensleydale


Dear Josie,

It’s always reet good to have folk writing in from Wensleydale. You must be some big cheese to live up there lass.

Anyway back to the business in hand, I always find concatenated euphemism difficult to cope with at the best of times, but after a visit to the Lesbian and Ferret with my whippet and getting outside of five G&Ts I find it can be extremely taxing, however I will do my best.

There’s much in the old adage, ‘that you ain’t seen nuthin’ till you’ve been down on the muffin’ and to find the carpet doesn’t match the drapes must have come as a shock. I have to admit I try not to drift into nose-to-tail situations because of hygiene issues, but I’m English and do respect that many foreigners are avid star gazers. Or per ardua ad astra as they say in Dewsbury

Certainly all that glitters is not gold and sadly that applies to blondes too. Although I always find a cursory examination of the hair upstairs, without more intimate examination, is sufficient to differentiate between a fake and penny black. It’s not just the absence of ‘roots’ it’s the texture and sheen of the hair, bleach invariably leaves the hair looking brittle and coarse. This is due to the oxygen – oxygen linkage in peroxides, which as powerful oxidising agents destroy both colour and texture. So my advice is if you wish to improve your tricks you should brush up on your Trichology.

What does surprise me is that you say the blonde wears a collar and cuffs. In my experience blondes are the most difficult to collar and despite having a reputation for being dumb are usually quite independent fillies. Not that I don’t truss you, you understand but it does strike me as being a bit off the cuff.

Now as for gang membership I myself am a bit of a free spirit and tend to find that those with a herd mentality a bit bovine. However, if you wish to cause a stampede why not? One of the great joys of chat is that anyone can say anything about anyone behind their back with total impunity and drama and slagging-off often exceeds even the task in hand in many chat emporiums. So as most gangs go bang after a while, give it a go.

Apart from adding that it’s always best to capitalise the first person singular, my best advice to you is that you have a whole raft of other senses, so why don’t you shut your eyes and get back to organoleptics, after all there must be some reason everyone licks this blonde. Other than that get down the chemists for some hydrogen peroxide yourself.

I hope you find this helpful.

Yours

Auntie Jill