Thongs of Freedom?

A hundred years ago we chained ourselves to railings and in 60s burnt our bras, but are we any further forward in terms of being able to freely express ourselves? Are we still subjugated by men? What brought this intemperate rant on you might wonder? Thongs and implants is the answer.

I won’t even dignify the implant culture by discussing it, but this morning thinking about thongs has made me wonder how far we have really traveled in terms of true liberation. Here is part of an advert for a leading brand of thongs: ‘You know this sexy thong will be sure to please every man. ...’

I’ve never been a great feminist but here’s one definition of feminism that works for me: ‘the belief that women should be as free as men, however nuts, deluded, badly-dressed, fat, receding, lazy and smug they might be (apologies Dan).

I feel strongly this freedom should extend to knickers. I wonder who do we actually dress for? How many women in the Western world are wearing a pair of panties that actually fit them, which they are really comfortable in? As one newspaper columnist Caitlin Moran opined recently we’re ‘wearing little more than gluteal accessories or arse trinkets.’ Why are we wearing inadequate underwear? Well it seems on the off-chance that we might ‘have sex in a brightly lit room with a hard to please erotic connoisseur.’ Alternatively do we seriously think we are going to be hauled in off the street and auditioned for ‘On Golden Blonde II?

Do men suffer from this demented level of over-preparation? I don’t think so. The vast majority wear sensible underwear – although the tightness of some male shreddies seems to be playing havoc with sperm counts. How, one woman asked the other day can we play our part in resolving the global financial crisis or combat terror if we can’t sit down without wincing?

Try expressing your right not to shave these days……ok I’m getting carried away.

Am I the only woman who doesn’t think that thongs are God’s gift to women?
For years we just wore normal, comfy, cotton, bun-hugging panties. Some were cut higher, some were cut lower, but they did the job. It wasn’t until the late ’90s that Big Fashion decided that what we really needed were panties that chafe in places where God never intended there to be chafing. Oh I know they’re supposed to prevent unsightly panty lines (which frankly I don’t have a problem with), but really, if they upset you they can be mostly be prevented by wearing seamless or flat-seamed bikini panties and avoiding tissue-thin, skintight fabrics. No, it seems the thong’s purpose is to expose maximum ass-cheekage, so that diaphanous tight skirts and stretch pants cling as though there’s nothing between you and your Calvins. Some of us actually go a step farther, turning an undergarment designed for discretion into a red flag by flashing the stringy top part above their waistline – no rephrase that half - way up their back. Allegedly a glimpse of thong was Bill Clinton’s undoing in l’affaire Lewinsky.

Maybe if you’re in a slutty mood that appeals to you, but I can’t think of one good reason for owning let alone wearing thongs. In my experience, they range from mildly irritating to a form of torture akin to water-boarding. The elastic takes on a life of its own, crawling insistently up your ass-crack until its edges are firmly embedded in some of the most sensitive skin on your body. The result, fumbling, surreptitious but increasingly desperate attempts to pluck it free without being noticed. And even if you do manage to accomplish a graceful, unseen wedgie-pull, it only buys you a few moments’ relief before the thong with a manic homing instinct wiggles back up again. I’ve had moments where I literally wanted to rip off the offending thong in front of a roomful of people; the embarrassment seemed preferable to the diabolical tugging and chafing action going on under my skirt. Frankly I’d rather have a ferret on the loose down there.

Now, aside from being uncomfortable, there are other important reasons not to wear one. Gynaecologists have been known to refer to them as “waterslides for bacteria”, since the stringy bit that constantly slides back and forth can easily transfer faecal bacteria to the urinary tract, creating the perfect conditions for a UTI of roaring proportions. Ever wonder why women suffer far more than men and why infections are on the increase? If that’s not bad enough, multiple medical sources claim that regular thong-wearing is associated with haemorrhoids, clitoral irritation and… and get this — lacerations of the vulva or anus.

So it seems, women’s health and comfort comes a distant second in the pursuit of looking ‘sexy’. Like many hideously uncomfortable fashion accessories, thongs are frequently fetishized as alluring and erotic. (The same reasoning that got our mothers and grandmothers into girdles.) There’s something about exposed asscheeks, the frilly string disappearing coyly between them, that men seem to love.

If it’s a toss up between burning my thongs and pleasing men then frankly it’s a no-brainer!

Here endeth this morning’s rant.