In Memoriam

Forgive me if this tribute upsets anyone… it’s just, there are angels amongst all of us and I need to honor mine. Please help me embrace the weight of her kiss this day.

Postscript:

If there is anything crucial I can impart from my experience to anyone, it is to fervently stress the importance of taking preventative measures when it comes to your health. Please get your annual mammograms and be proactive encouraging friends and loved ones to as well… no matter if the ‘nagging’ upsets them; their very life could be at stake. Forgive my bluntness, but if given a choice, I’d much rather they be pissed off and alive, than temporarily comfortable and end up dead. This does not just apply to breast cancer, but any type, whether prostate or colon, etc., take whatever tests are available, despite any fear of embarrassment it may entail or short term inconvenience involved. Early detection is vital.

Second, ensure your affairs are in order legally. Double and triple check any and all angles you would never expect to reach grim light of day. The reality is some people are wretchedly horrible to others when there is a death in the family. This is even more pronounced and challenging when homophobia is directly involved. It can prevent you from even being allowed the right to visit your own lover in the hospital. If you think you have crossed all your t’s, and dotted all of your i’s, please think again. Even a conscientious well prepared lesbian is not assured protection or partnership rights, no matter if laws are in place where she resides. And things occur at warp speed. You can’t stop what is happening in time to matter in the moment. You can only entertain a choice whether to try to fight whatever injustices were levied against you well after the fact.

Get your partner’s wishes in writing, have it signed, dated, and notarized with yourself, or someone incredibly trustworthy deemed as current power of attorney. If you DON’T, someone else can authorize a hospital to pull the plug on her, even if there still remains hope for possible survival. Make sure a copy of all important insurance papers reside somewhere (other than) inside your own home. Homes can and indeed are sometimes invaded and documents maliciously taken. Safeguard dual credit card or checking and savings account information or you could become penniless and homeless overnight.

Keep a phone with you at all times with emergency contact numbers on speed dial for unexpected danger due to out of control behavior of relatives. *All it takes is one person to incite an entire pack. Reality dictates it is far better to be overcautious, and safe, than sorry. I was physically outnumbered six to one in the blink of an eye.

Another point of practical advice is to keep all receipts for furniture and appliances you have purchased. If you cannot prove ownership, her family is free to claim everything belonged to her and therefore now belongs to them. (Unless you are wealthy and repurchase of everything you worked for over the years is rather easily replaceable.) It’s also a good idea to gather and safely lock away sentimental and intimate objects. I’m talking anything from personal sex toys, to cards, letters, pictures, jewelry and special keepsakes.

If you have pets and one of you are ill or dying, please recognize animals are so sensitive and attuned they can sense what is happening and the stress of it can actually cause their systems to shut down and bring demise. Be vigilant making it as stress free on them as possible and their environment as close to what is normal as you humanly can. If that isn’t a realistic possibility then board them somewhere reputable. I know this is hard but it may be necessary, as compared to the alternative. What you don’t want is to lose your lover, a family pet, and your home all in one fell swoop.

If you are the caregiver in a situation like this, make effort to create a support system for your own self as well…find some type of activity to help you de-stress between particularly trying caregiving schedules. This is important to your health and well being, especially when facing a long term scenario. You are of less good to her, yourself, or anyone else, if you are falling apart at the seams.

Do not be shocked if all friends (yours and hers) suddenly disappear and will not return your calls in the aftermath of your partner’s death. Try not to take it personally, and do try to be understanding, even through the pain of such, for everyone deals with grief differently…and two very common ways are most certainly denial and avoidance.

Do not be unduly hard on yourself or pressured with some fantasy length of time to find closure. In my humble opinion the concept or term ‘finding closure’ is a complete myth. There is no closure. The raw pain may seem to gradually ease over time, but there will be other days you are hit so hard it’s as debilitating, if not more so, than on day one.

Don’t allow unenlightened people to dictate what you should do or how. There are no rules or blueprints to go by. It’s your personal journey. You just do whatever you need to or have to, that makes sense or comforts you. If you want to create a shrine or still have her clothes in dresser drawers or closet, then so be it. When or if a time comes and you are ready to make a change or take a different step in that regard, let it happen naturally, of its own accord.

If you ever reach a point where you decide to rejoin the land of the living, so to speak… do not let guilt eat you alive for wanting human touch again. Remember you upheld your commitment ‘til death do us part’ and she would want you to go on, to try to seek some type of happiness in whatever time you yourself have left on this Earth. Try to live your life in ways she no longer has an option to…

If a new love interest gives you an ultimatum to get rid of any and all visible reminders of her, I’d seriously question the wisdom of further involvement. Even if you did that, someone of such caliber may always feel threatened, insecure, or jealous, about your love for deceased partner. This is something to be commended, not cursed. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel bad, or as if there is something wrong with you because of it. The fact it exists doesn’t diminish your capacity to love another or the degree in which you do. It is just a separate different part of you which will always be present on some level. However, you will need to make a conscious effort in finding a way to balance those dynamics within yourself, in regard to successful future relationships.

Finally, no matter how grim the experience or to what degree you were wronged or your lover’s memory besmirched… please try to remember greed, fear, and anger are human emotions just like any other. If you do not find it in your heart to forgive the trespasses of others, its bitterness can consume you. You must rise above it. If not, you may soon discover you’ve degenerated yourself down to the same exact level as them. And that is not a pretty place to be.

Also, if it’s in your power to make a little wish or two come true for someone, please do. One of the best things I ever did was in asking one day if there was anything she’d never done, but wanted to. After giving it some thought, she smiled and answered yes, that she had always wanted to have a pie fight. I’m happy to say I made this come true on a day when she least expected, following a particularly grueling work week. The two pictures in the video evidencing that pie fight are among my fondest memories.

Thank you Jasmin for converting the file for me so I could honor Catherine today, and to Celine Dion for her beautiful rendition of ‘Ave Maria.’