Hello Ladies, and Dan =)
It’s been a while since I’ve been on this good ol' blog but I really wanted to post this and maybe start a discussion because I need opinions on this topic, and maybe advice to give to her. Now this post will be kinda long since it was a conversation between a friend and I, but in your spare time please read and let me know what you think.
-OK, so I ran into an old bestfriend from middleschool via Facebook and we started exchanging messages back n forth to catch up with each other. She goes on to tell me about her life and whats been going on, including her relationship with her girlfriend of now 2 years. So I become excited and ask how thats going because my girlfriend and I have been together a little over a year...so I figure I can ask for advice how to keep things smooth so I ask if she is happy?
Long story short :: She goes on to tell me how sometimes she is and sometimes she isnt. She explained to me that they fight like cats and dog but as soon as they calm down, they are all in love and happy again. She (we’ll call her D.W) told me how her girlfriend (we’ll call her A.S) has cheated more than a few times, and hits her from time to time. I go on to ask, if all this has happened, why are you staying? D.W’s answer was, ‘because I love her and I need her’. D.W says that when you’ve invested so much time into something, whether a project or a relationship, you can’t just walk away from it. She told me how she moved in with A.S and how they want to get married and have kids together. After a few more messages, I stopped replying because it just got to be too much for me to take in.
SO my question to you all is :: is there a thin line between dedicated and crazy/desperate?
When is it time to give up, and why do some women think that if they stay long enough, that their partners will change for them?
-sorry for the long post... hope I was clear enough for yall to understand =)
12 comments:
I think you already know the answer Twisty your friend should kick her girlfriend into touch.
thats what I don't understand,
how can you allow yourself to be hit on by another woman and then stay to get hit on again?!
Dan, I'll be damned if I've moved in with a woman, knowing already that she's physical abusive, and then still want to stay. I don't love or need anybody THAT bad.
I'll tell you from experience Twister once people resort to violence they will always do it.
hmmm, how to tactfully answer this without making myself look stupid?
Well, I was in an abusive relationship some years back with the same GF I have now. I was the abuser.
Seemed i had some anger management issues after getting back from deployment. I regret every bit of abuse that my now GF suffered at my hand. For some reason she stood by my side after break up after break up urging me to seek counseling. I think there are rare situations when people do things they wouldn't normally do.
There is never a good reason to stay with someone who is abusive. Domestic violence is not okay. Though i guess in my situation, she loved me enough to move out and help me along with some friends. Nowadays, we are back together and the last time I ever laid my hand on her was 6 years ago.
If you really love someone, you will get help and you will change. That's just my two cents:) i hope this message was able to shed a bit of light on things.
@Dan I thought that too, but I guess it just depends on how much that person realizes that they are hurting their relationship and whether they give a damn or not.
Your saying that made me think of 'once a cheater always a cheater' which i believed wholeheartedly until I cheated on a girlfriend of mine, and felt awful afterwards and swore i would never do it again. So maybe people can change, you just have to want to.
@Kimmie First let me say Heyyyyyyy Kimmie!! =)
I think its awesome that you've moved on from that and have become a stronger and better person. I think thats awesome!! <3 So because of your anger managment, it made you want to hit her? How come not a wall, or take a run or something? I'm only asking this to understand the thoughts that goes through a persons head when they do it. Not to make you feel bad or anything... xoxo
Well, it isn't that simple. Our fights were very physical. It wasn't always a matter of throwing a punch. It was a matter of pushing and throwing. We both use to pusgh each others buttons. Hitting a wall wasn't an option with someone in your face.
You do not look stupid at all, Kimmie. It takes great courage to publically, let alone privately, admit to having had and overcome an issue as serious as this. I commend your open honesty my friend.
Everyone comes from different walks of life with varying degrees of experience and conditioning that affects their behavior. If that behavior is counter productive to having a successful relationship with yourself or others (meaning, the ability to genuinely love and respect) and your heart and mind are open to receiving help through anger managment and therapy, it can be done.
If, however, you do not love and respect yourself enough, or others, and your heart and mind stay closed off to personal growth you will always be a miserable person who either abuses yourself, others, or both, through any number of ways and means.
In my case, I was the abused. I didn't stick around to see if she would get better. My love for her was irrelevant considering she damn near killed me. Even though I understood all the factors involved it did not excuse her behavior or erase my then daily fear it might re-occur at some later date.
However, I was coming from the perspective of prior abuse from other individuals while growing up, and solid evidence that those experiences never improved over time. It was my inate sense of survival and self protection that made me leave and never come back.
That said, I know she never hurt anyone again. She begged my forgiveness and stated years later that her defining moment was in the realization she nearly took my life. That scared her so badly she sought and received help on her own. I was happy for her, and believed her okay, but nonetheless could never personally trust her again and refused to ever put myself in a similar position to possibly be abused.
So to answer your question, Twister... I think your friend needs to leave and demand if her abuser wants a future relationship with her she must receive professional help, show proof over time (living separately) it is truly effective, and then take baby steps toward possible reconciliation.
The thing is, the abuser needs to seek treatment for the betterment of her own self, not as a bartering tool to keep someone in her life. And as to time already invested, your friend needs to decide what is most important, throwing more time into it for a possible lost cause? Or cutting her losses and expending her precious time in a relationship with someone who does not have that kind of baggage.
Still, if they both truly love each other and enter into counseling together after the abuser receives help, or in conjunction, it may be doable. But the first step is for her to put geographical distance between them until it is all sorted out properly step by step. And for God's sake don't drag any children into the picture until years down the road and only then if all of the above were successful.
I guess when I read this Like Dan I was already framing a hard line response to your question along the lines of your friend needs to tell her GF to go, go now, in fact do not pass go and do not collect $200. I have to admit I’ve always been very cynical about behaviour change.
However I’ve now read Kimmie’s and Camille’s responses and I have to accept that while I might have a view, this is something I have no experience of and in the light of Kimmie’s honesty I have to be equally honest and say I’m not as well qualified to advise as either Kimmie or Camille who both clearly have first hand knowledge of this issue.
Before I complete my response I must say that I’m truly humbled by Kimmie’s honesty and I can only guess at the courage it must have taken to say what she has done in this forum.
I intuitively believe you have the essence of very good advice in both of Kimmie’s and Camille’s responses, my only caveat would be this is not solely about abuse but serial cheating too something that should not be forgotten.
The original intention of the Blog was to share and support each other. I truly believe that today we have come of age and I increasingly feel proud of our joint endeavour that we can come together in this manner. Hugsss all round.
I really have never been in this situation, so have nothing in the way of a constructive comment, other than to say that physical violence will never resolve any conflict.
I did find the article enlightening.The comments by Saffy and Camille, and Kimmie have been enlightening as well. I guess I shouldn't be amazed at the courage that Kimmie showed in posting her comment, but, nonetheless, I am.
Hats off to you Kimmie, for your bravery in posting as you did. The most Important thing is to learn from mistakes, and move on.
The strength of any place, in this case, a blog, are the strengths and abilities of it's blog members. I am glad this one is as rich as it is, in diversity, and backgrounds.
In this particular case I believe the root cause of her serial cheating is directly tied in with the same underlying issues of her violence. Until those causes are professionally addressed she will probably continue doing both.
The hitting and cheating are merely outer symptoms of some very serious inner demons. Instead of tackling the true sources (which she may not even have a complete understanding of without a professional to point them out) she reacts to her turmoil by lashing out at whoever or whatever is a convenient target in front of her, on the slightest provocation she can blame. That is entirely different from someone who has been unfaithful once in their life and learned from it, never to do again.
My concern is your friend believing because she has invested time she is obligated to expend more and her possibly not recognizing this woman isn't her only hope, means, or possibility to demonstrate her ability to love or to obtain love.
Ultimately, all I can say is, good luck to your friend, Twisty, and especially to the troubled soul she is currently involved with.
I guess in some ways I do have experience with this, in a mental abuse way, where people take their anger out... Assuming that does apply, but it is unimaginable at what to do in a situation where the person you love the most, is hurting you.
There is a cycle to all of this as it repeats and repeats, I believe everyone is capable of change, but sometimes it takes more of a realization than others. For some, a loved one leaving, for others it'll take professional intervention, or lawful intervention.
I think people stay because they see the good, and for them, they hold onto that even more than the bad... Some people aren't strong enough to leave either.
I don't know if any of this helps.... But yeahhh.
Well, I wasn't really able to comment further on this post while at work but feel the need to do so now.
Twisty, I think a separation should happen for those two at this point. Not only is it an unsafe situation, it is completely unhealthy. I wanted to tell you before, as in a relationship that was once abusive, for me it was very unhealthy at the time. we both knew full well that fighting would lead to such things yet we did it anyway. Or shall i say, I did what i wanted to do anyway. Like i said before, They need to separate, live in two separate places, perhaps even date other people. Who knows, maybe their once found love can surpass the odds.
As for me, it is a struggle to think before you speak in a fight. Verbal abuse is abuse, just like physical abuse. Instead or getting overly upset, I remember how she makes me feel, how she moves, her smile, then I just become the better person throughout it all. No hateful words, no bad feelings, just calm love. Perhaps your friend should see what out weighs the each other, good vs. bad....then decide. Nothing is worth risking your life over.
Camille: let me just say, I am truly sorry for what you ever went through with an ex of yours. I'm humbled by how truly forgiving aand gracious you are towards her now. That's a sign of true understanding and forgiveness.
As far as cheating, your friend should of fled long ago.
And to everyone on the blog: it is this place that brings about my honesty and true nature....thanks for such a wonderful group of fellow bloggers, those who can up-lift, appreciate, encourage, and be down right brutal at times. You all are the reason this blog makes sense. THANK YOU:)
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