Felicity, fidelity, forgiveness and getting fucked over

An every day tale of cyberspace.

An old friend dropped by in Yahoo this morning in a fair state of anguish. Her story was as old as the hills. Her on-line girlfriend of some standing had just gone ‘poof’ on her, with no farewell, no by your leave….. nothing. I was about to say that’s the internet for you, but having just watched Camille’s clip about the The Wounded Healer only minutes earlier decided that didn’t really smack of empathy. Just as well I said nothing, my old friend continued. Left wondering what she had done wrong, she had begun to dig around. What she had found proved to be even more distressing, although it did help alleviate some of the remorse she had been suffering. It transpired that her ex had been a bit of a player. Even though my old friend and her ex had been in an exclusive relationship at her ex’s insistence, it seems that her ex had also been tromboning elsewhere. Not with just one other person, but several. To compound matters it transpires she was she considerably older than she claimed, My heart sank, I had been here before, read the book, seen the film and got even the T shirt. Telling my old friend she had been royally fucked over it seemed wasn’t the right thing to do.

I’m prone to make overly harsh judgements about people, but having been taken with the Wounded Healer tried to take a different tack. I thought of Jasmin’s post too which had brought memories of Jessica flooding back. On more than one occasion Jess had taught me to be less judgemental and more compassionate. Taking a deep breath I explained to my old friend that rather than get angry she should try and understand. The Cyber world is radically different from the Real world. The rules from one don’t necessarily translate one into the other. Breaking up is hard enough in the Real word, getting all your CDs back, your key and the shoes under the bed. Here it’s just so much easier to go ‘poof.’ I explained she shouldn’t worry overly about her ex. She will have probably just got a new addy and started out again somewhere else, hardly ethical but sublimely clean for the person going ‘poof‘. As for her ex playing away, I explained that again she shouldn’t be too harsh. People who do that kind of thing aren’t necessarily bad, it’s just that if they have been on-line a long time they become institutionalised. Unlike real life, cheating is so easy here. On-line is a cheater’s paradise. People often set out with no intention of duplicity and yet the temptations are so great and it’s so incredibly easy. They think they won’t get caught. They do it once, they find it easy and before long they are on the slippery slope.

As for not telling the truth the story is no different. In Real life most people avoid lying not because of any ethical consideration, but because they worry about getting found out and of course in the Real world you can’t just go poof and start out all over gain with a new name … not unless the FBI are helping you. I explained that she shouldn’t make too much about her ex being considerably older. This after all is fantasy land where many people come to be what they can’t be in real life. I agreed there was a difference between the minor untruths associated with fantasy and the larger lies that are involved in the deceitful relationships - I found myself continually biting on my tongue trying to avoid saying get real this is on-line but didn‘t.

I moved on to ask her about her relationship what had it been like? She slowly warmed and told me it had been wonderful. Her friend had been kind caring and considerate and that they had enjoyed many good times together. Well there’s your answer I counselled, don’t get angry, or bitter, try focussing on the nice bits, the positive aspects of your relationship and remember your friend not as a cheat or a liar but the good friend that she was while you were together. Did it matter that she was much older than she said she was? No not really she replied. I repeated there was a danger of being here too long, the temptations are considerable and many good well-intentioned, lonely people have ended up being people they never intended to be.

I reminded her of Sammie’s post a few days ago about Netiquette : always try to treat others as you would be treated yourself , that way you’ll never go wrong.

I think at the end of our chat my friend felt considerably better, I certainly did. I’d begun to rid myself of the harsh judgements I’m prone to make and she felt better at finding a Wounded Healer. We laughed and had a hug.

Then, like so often I nearly blew it. As my friend was about to go she opined: ‘I expect her husband might have caught her that’s why she went?’

The words left my lips before I could stop them. ‘What!!?’ I exclaimed. ‘Here’s someone lying and cheating on their life partner, the person they live with, who they have made solemn vows to and you imagined they wouldn’t do the same to you?’

A long pause followed, then reflecting on the absurdity of it all my friend burst into laughter and the day was saved. ‘You’re right Saffy,’ she said 'I can’t blame it all on my ex. I have to take some responsibility too. I went into it with my eyes open.’ We hugged again and parted both feeling much better. Her last words were: ‘Thanks for everything!’

Before logging off I thought: Yes! There’s a lot to collective wisdom thank you Camille, Sammie, Jasmine and of course the omnipresent Jess