HR

8 – Measures and Countermeasures

‘OK, Tung, email Miss Lahdee-da Upyours and tell her to get her ass in here.’

Sydney was sitting at a desk in the office next to that which Lucinda shared with Cecilia. She was staring gleefully at her computer screen.

Next door Lucinda fumed, ‘My God, she’s next door and sends a bloody email, telling me to enter her presence.’

‘A train on her dress, my stars, Luce, I just don’t know how I kept a straight face and poor little Tung carrying it for her.’ Cecilia wiped a tear of laughter from her eye. Lucinda glared at her and stomped out to the next office.

‘You sent for me?’ she had a patrician gleam in her eye which evaporated as she saw the raw triumph in Sydney’s face.

‘When, exactly, were these confidential files created, Ms Updyke?’

‘Over the last few months, after we conducted the review.’ Lucinda could not keep a tremor out of her voice.

‘So, how do you explain that they all have the same date? And,’ she added portentously, ‘so incidentally does the memo to Lord Nelson!’ The door opened and Cecilia strolled in, her face a mask of innocence.

‘Don’t mind me darlings, I just need that book on diversity you sent us, Sid. I have a most interesting case. A disabled, transsexual, lesbian, vegetarian muslim is claiming unfair dismissal. He, she or it, or whatever says we’re only sacking her on grounds of prejudice and I told it, for want of a better term, that I don’t see how someone with one leg can drive a mobile crane.’ She searched through the books on the shelf. ‘It said, “I’m ok if I use my walking stick,” and I said that I was sure Health and Safety would have something to say about that. Oh, did I hear you ask about the dates on the files. You need to speak to Horse-Face in IT about that – some sort of computery thing. It makes everything look as though it was written at the same time. Awkward really, but they’re working on it.’ She waved ‘Diversity Issues Clarified’ and said, ‘ta awfully, Darling. See you later.’

‘Don’t go,’ said Sydney with a voice like a snake. ‘Are you two lovers?’

‘Gosh, yes, how clever of you. Must dash. Bye Lip.’

‘I am Tung.’

‘Yes, of course you are.’

Lucinda stared at Cecilia’s back as she left the room and Sydney smiled. ‘Article 38, dahhhhhhhhhhling, Article 38.’

‘Well, that’s well and truly that,’ said Lucinda and let her face fall into her hands.

‘What’s that, darling?’ asked Cecilia, once again filing her nails delicately.

‘Article 38, you ass. That’s us out! She’s going to fire us.’

‘Oh, I shouldn’t think so. Come over here after you’ve locked the door. I’ve an itch that needs scratching.’

A careful listener outside the room might have heard the creak of chair or desk and perhaps a soft utterance of pleasure. Shortly after, Cecilia smoothed her skirt back down. ‘What would life be without a little trib-ulation?’ She smiled contentedly.