HR

4 – Preparation continues

‘I think I may have an idea, Darling.’ Lucinda looked up from under Cecelia’s desk with a questioning eye. ‘No, don’t stop, I’ll tell you as you work. Is she really called Sydney?’ Lucinda nodded ‘Daddy had a retriever called Sydney. Bloody good retriever but hated the guns. Every time a gun went off he peed on your leg. Daddy shot him.’ She sighed softly, ‘Oh, that’s marvellous. I do so love a good foot massage.’ She patted Lucinda’s head. ‘She wants to review the files, yes?’

‘Yes, but we haven’t got any files for her to review.’

‘Shh, darling. If she wants files, we give her files. How long have we worked here?’

‘Two years.’

‘Is it really, gosh. OK, now write a memo to your Daddy. I shall dictate. “Having completed a detailed review of all HR practices I recommend that we institute best practice. For all employees we should have comprehensive files, recording appointment, salary and salary changes, disciplinary matters and to include, for example, company assets issued to the employee.” Paragraph. “This is a large undertaking which will take a long time to complete and I suggest we start with all new employees, and deal with existing staff as time permits.” There, now open a new file and save it. Date it about six months ago.’

Oh, Cesspit, you’re wonderful.’

‘Aren’t I though? Let me read it. Oh my god, you dimwit, don’t address it “Dear Daddy” address it to the bloody Chairman and don’t put the bloody in. Oh, and there are two gs in suggest, not js! Now, start knocking up some sort of file for as many as you can. Don’t print them, we’ll tell her we’re all electronic, that should fox her. When does she arrive?’

‘According to Tung, they will be here in three days.’

‘Tung? My God, darling, this gets better and better.’

‘Are you going to do some too?’

‘With these nails, darling, I don’t think so, do you?’