2011 In Review (Darwin Style)

I really look forward to this every year and I know many of you do too.  So 

here they are.  The envelope please!   


It's that time again.   The 2011 DARWIN Awards are out.   The annual honor is 

given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing 

themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. 


Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which 

toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.   This 

year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONESTLY!   Read on...And remember 

that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY!!! 


And the nominees were:
  

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he 

had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.  Not 

surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in 

his house.  This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing 

both him and his sister.  


Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when 

another plane approached.  It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of 

the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.  They were 

all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 


Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus 

straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle.  Fairfax County police 

said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, 

wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake 

Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.  Warren Carmichael, a police 

spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found 

nearby.  'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the 

distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the 

apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'
 

Semifinalist #4 

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.  It seems that he and a friend 

were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.  The friend - no 

doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.  


Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas 

leak.  Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential 

sources of ignition; lights, power, etc...  After the building had been 

evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.  Upon entering 

the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.  To their 

frustration, none of the lights worked.  Witnesses later described the sight of 

one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that 

resembled a cigarette lighter.  Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the 

gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles 

away.  Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually 

untouched by the explosion.  The technician suspected of causing the blast had 

never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
  

And Now, for the "winner" of this year's Darwin Award:  


(As always, awarded posthumously):   The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a 

pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road 

at the apex of a curve.  The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, 

but it was a car.  The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.  Police 

investigators finally pieced together the mystery.  An amateur rocket scientist 

had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a 

solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 

'push' for taking off from short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out 

into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.  He attached the 

JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!  


The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala 

hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash 

site.  This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. 
  

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 

seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and 

continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.  The driver, and 

soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog 

fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant 

for the remainder of the event. 


However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles 

(15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, 

blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then 

becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a 

height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.  Most of 

the driver's remains were not recoverable.


Epilogue:   It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of 

approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
 
 You just couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

 The scary thing is that --

PEOPLE LIKE THIS WALK AMONG US,  AND THEY PROCREATE AND VOTE!

If you would like to read more Darwin Awards they can be found at 

....http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/





P.S.  I suspect the "winner" this year was actually from a prior year.  I recall hearing this story before - and I believe it was featured in a movie, I forget the name but Winona Rider was in it - that was built around stories of Darwins.


Happy New Year!