Chat Guide Updates

As always we are very grateful to Saffy for help and advice, sorting out HTML code issues and the Paul Simon clip. Thanks are also due to Yahoo lifestyle guides for some of the ideas.

The first topic for updating in the guide is the subject of ‘dumping.’ We would be grateful for any comments anyone might have on how this topic may be improved.



DUMPING: Ending relationships is never easy, and it's important to know how to end them properly. Not every relationship that has problems needs to end, and not every relationship that has ended needs to stay that way. The trick is knowing how to make the right decision.

There are so many emotions to be dealt with - guilt, sorrow, anger, bitterness, fear, jealousy and these can so easily overspill into darker emotions, you might even end up with your very own ‘bunny boiler’ Dumping can be as bad as being dumped, because there is the additional responsibility of breaking the news to the person you once felt close to. Although, the pain cannot be avoided completely, you can at least minimize it by ending the relationship gracefully.

Once you decided to break it off, you need to do it the right way so that you can both move on. There are four basic guidelines to follow:

Don’t Procrastinate It is human to delay decisions, in the hope that things will correct themselves. Usually this just makes things worse.

Don't Play Games Nobody likes to break up with someone, but there's a temptation to try and make the other person do the dirty work by picking fights and playing games to try and antagonize the other person into breaking up with us.

Do it in Person Breaking up is painful for both parties. It is tempting to do this by email or text message, that way you don't have to talk to them. Do both of you a favour and break up in person in a relatively private place.

Be Honest You need to tell the other person why you are ending the relationship. This isn't easy, because they will try and talk you out of it, but lying to them doesn't help either of you. Be honest, even if they don't want to hear it.

The ultimate goal is wherever possible to maintain your friendship. Here are some of the most commonly used strategies used on-line.

Face to Face This is the only way to end a relationship with integrity, which on-line is normally in Messenger. This should involve as much care, love and thought as you put into creating the relationship. As difficult as it may be it helps if you have valid reasons. It’s also worth remembering as Shakespeare said, nothing defines or ‘becomes you more than your going.’ It’s a clear sign to the rest of the chat community what kind of person you are.
Pros: You retain your integrity
Cons: The meeting is likely to get fraught and tearful.

By e-mail A relatively impersonal way of terminating a relationship particularly if your ex deserves better. However not everyone can face up to a break up and if you do take this route your lover still deserves a full, compassionate and truthful explanation.
Pros: You retain some integrity and you miss out on all the wailing and gnashing of teeth
Cons: Depends how big your conscience is

Leave an off-line Do you really have such a cavalier disregard for your ex? Pros: No immediate mess
Cons: The Chat world is smaller than you think

While none of the following are advocated, here are some classic on-line methods of dumping your lover:

Go ‘invisible’ and ignore them.
Pros: No immediate mess
Cons: It will catch up with you long term.

Reduce your availability This is where you create as series of events which allows your lover to draw their own conclusion that the affair is over. Suddenly get transferred to the night shift, tell them your wireless router/PC is broken, you’ve had to go into hospital, your company have sent you away on a training course and your on-line access will be limited. Any permutation or combination of these over a one month period will induce most lovers to walk on their own accord.
Pros: Can be quite painless as far as you are concerned.
Cons: Again on-line is not as big a world as you think it is.

Poofing Simply vanishing without explanation. Either quitting on-line or taking a new nickname and profile and starting again somewhere else.
Pros: No mess
Cons: Makes a come-back difficult

Play games Create circumstances where they feel obliged to leave you. Take on other girlfriends, or let it out you’ve been cheating on them all along such that they feel obliged to dump you.
Pros: They do all the hard work
Cons: Again it may affect your reputation – assuming you have one.

Trash them Believe it or not this is not uncommon on-line. You simply declare your ex to be a poser! Can also be used if you are the dumpee.
Pros: You avoid the need for any explanation. As posers are chat’s #1 bête noir you find your self elevated from obscurity to martyrdom as the sympathy rolls in and people rally around. If you keep repeating it you may even get to believe it.
Cons: This is a high risk strategy which relies on your ex fleeing the field and being forced to either quit Chat or to come back with a new nickname. However, if they stay and face you down you can end up looking exactly what you are.

Create a catastrophe This is a well worn Lit route where you fake a road accident, death, chronic bout of swamp fever etc. that precludes you being on line.
Pros: Again largely grief free.
Cons: You are stuck with creating a new persona and nickname if you want to return. In one classic case someone got their husband to e-mail their lover to say they had been killed in a car crash. Ten weeks later they changed their mind and walked back into Chat with the same nickname. Allegedly they were shocked when a ‘sorry!’ didn’t cut it.